The Loved Ones: Pink Princess Cupcakes and Lovesick Blondies

 It’s Valentine’s Day. Are these treats “pretty enough?”

 the loved ones movie poster

            Valentine’s Day. The day of love.

For those of us gals fortunate enough to be married, attached, committed, or sought after,  Valentine’s Day can be a tasty, thoughtful day of fresh roses, candy, skimpy lingerie, or tickets to see The Evil Dead Musical (hey, whatever trips your trigger, right?)

But what about those single others? The day of love must be a virtual day of sorrow. And now that Valentine’s Day apparently has its own season (from January 2nd when the Christmas decorations come down to February 14th) it must be just one huge month of misery leading up to the Big Depressing Day.

If you are one of the fateful that falls into the latter category, don’t do it. Don’t slide into your yoga pants and oversized shirts. Don’t crawl under the covers, tear into that heart-shaped box of chocolates you bought yourself, and tune into John Hughes movies all night.

stone family fun

Dinner with the Stones

Instead, I invite you to call upon your other lonely lady friends and spend the evening at prom with Princess, Daddy, Bright-Eyes, and The King. It will be an absolutely terrifying night of looking through creepy stalker scrapbooks and blood-soaked torture porn all set to an eerie pink disco-ball backdrop. Refreshments like Lola’s “finger lickin good” chicken and a sludgy syringe cocktail-to-the-neck will be served, but you could always just bring your own…I’ve got a few in mind!

 

lola and drill

Princess and her drill

The Loved Ones. Think Pretty in Pink meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre. In fact, Lola (aka Princess) is exactly the type of tormented, obsessed, deranged girl I’d expect to see spawned from Leatherface and Molly Ringwald’s character, Andie.

 

the king

Brent, the new Loved One

When Lola is rejected by her latest crush, Brent, and then later finds him having sex with his beautiful girlfriend, Holly, she goes totally over the edge. She recruits her equally psychotic father (aka Daddy) to kidnap Brent and make him into her new King. But when Brent refuses to play along nicely with the sick prom night fantasy, he’s put through some pretty horrible, mind-bending punishment involving nails, drills, and crappy teen love songs. His rebellion eventually lands him in the cellar of surprises with Lola’s other collected “loved ones”.  I must say Robin Mcleavy is flawless as Princess; so sadistic and cute all drenched in pink. The only thing truly off-putting about this movie is Lola’s angsty theme song “Pretty Enough” that has been lodged into my brain for weeks now.

 

Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken? Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken?” Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

The Recipes: I don’t like pink. But it’s Valentine’s Day, and Princess wouldn’t have it any other color. In fact, I was told the cupcakes are almost too pretty to eat. Don’t let their outer charm deter you. Inside they are a sadistic, fluffy addiction just waiting to overcome you. The blondies are rich, buttery, and loaded with crunchy candy. When the last one is gone you’ll be lovesick for more…

 

DGbaking Blog 002Pink Princess Cupcakes

(makes 18-24 pretty treats)

 

Ingredients:

2 1/2 cups cake flour

1 ¼ cups sugar

1 ½ tsp baking powder

¼ tsp baking soda

¼ tsp salt

2 sticks (1 cup) softened butter

3 eggs (room temp)

1 cup buttermilk

¼ tsp pink paste food coloring ( I used Wilton Rose Petal Pink to get the closest color to Lola’s dress)

1 batch Pink Vanilla Butterscream frosting

White pearl candies (I used Wilton’s white sugar pearls)

9-12 fresh strawberries (stems removed, cut in half)

Cupcake pan, pink or V-day print liners, pastry bag, large decorating tip ( I used tip #1G)

How to Make em: In a mixing bowl or bowl of standing mixer, beat together the butter, sugar, and food coloring with your hand mixer or stand mixer into a creamy submission. Add the eggs, one at a time,  and the vanilla until fully combined. In a separate smaller bowl, sift together the boring stuff- flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Add to your creamed butter mix alternately with the buttermilk. I always start and end with the dry stuff. Mix until just combined. Fill liners about half way. Bake at 350 degrees for 18-20 minutes. Allow to cool completely before dressing up.

Pink Vanilla Butterscream Frosting

(Makes enough to dress 18-24 cupcakes)

Ingredients:

1 stick (1/2 cup) softened butter

1 pd powdered sugar

1/8 tsp salt

¼-1/2 cup whipping cream

1 tsp vanilla

1/8 tsp pink paste food coloring (I used Wilton Rose Petal Pink)

How to Make It: In a mixing bowl or bowl of standing mixer, beat together the butter, cream, vanilla, and salt with your hand mixer or stand mixer into a creamy submission. Add the powdered sugar one cup at a time until smooth. Stir or mix in the food coloring until thoroughly assaulted with pink.

Dollin’ Up the Cupcakes: Fit your pastry bag with your preferred decorating tip. Pipe on the pink frosting however thick you like it. Add a dash of classy white pearls and pierce with a strawberry slice. Too pretty!

 

100_1566Lovesick Blondies

(Makes 12 addictive bars)

 

Ingredients:

2 sticks (1 cup) melted butter

2 cups brown sugar

2 eggs (room temperature)

2 tsp vanilla

2 cups flour

½ tsp baking powder

¼ tsp salt

1 bag Valentine’s Day M&M candy (I used the peanut butter ones)

13×9” pan

How to Make Em: Prep your pan with nonstick spray. In a large bowl, stir together the melted butter and sugar until well combined. Add in the eggs and vanilla. In a small bowl, sift together the boring stuff-the flour, baking powder, and salt. Add to the butter mixture. Mix in the candies until well incorporated. Spread into the pan. Bake at 375 degrees for 25-28 minutes. Cool completely before cutting into. Tastes awesome with vanilla ice cream!

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